you told me you loved me
why did you leave me, all alone
now you tell me you need me
im already gone.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
;
10:36 PM
I'm not insane. I'm not insane.
Salutations. I know I just posted on Friday. But I cannot take it. I am carrying this unknown burden right now, and I can't place my finger on it. It is utterly frustrating. Let me paint the picture. I was in a good mood. The day at church had gone wonderfully. After a while of smsing Josh J, I was prepared to start revision for Physics. I switched on the laptop for music purposes, and focused solely on my work. Then HSM 2 starts, and I take a break to watch it.
I faithfully carried on with my work after HSM. Suddenly, I get this urge to do something wild. I feel this sense of wanting to be liberated, and let me say, it was pretty overpowering. And now my emotions are running amock. I am filled with a sense of trepidation, but somehow confidence too. Have I suddenly become hormonally imbalanced? PMS?
Haiz. Help me Lord. Yesterday I had my moment with God. I poured out my heart to Him. Told Him everything that was troubling me. And after much crying and heartache, I was joyful. I knew God had heard me. He always does. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Nothing could demoralize me after that. God threw me that lifeline when I needed it most.
I guess I want freedom to do whatever I want, NOW. I want to pierce my tongue, pierce my ears again, get my tattoo, and dye my hair. This is what I want. And I will do it. Just as soon as I finish proving Singapore that I am more than capable of applying my knowledge of these past years into one paper. Thank God for blogs. What a wonderful way of expressing yourself. I feel better now.
I guess when you're pressured with a major exam, when you have lost your closest friends, when you lose the guy you love, when things at home aren't so good, and when you feel alone, going WILD is the only way to escape. Yup. My hypothesis. Alright, back to more studying for me. Before that, I am going to cheer myself up with some Hannah Montana karaoke. She always makes me happy. Haha. Weird, I know.
Btw HAPPY DEEPAVALI!! Deepavali Valthukkal.
Keep me afloat. Cos I know I'll sink without you. Throw me a lifeline.
Sweet 16.Gonna spread my wings.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Friday, October 24, 2008
;
1:30 PM
My way or the highway.
Salutations. It's been a while. Fortunately, I have a reasonable excuse.That being O Levels. Here's the update. After being completely disparaged by my Science Practical, things are looking up for me. My Chemistry paper, which was followed by my English and Maths paper, were all very easy. I am honestly astounded by this somewhat comforting fact. Chemistry has never been in my good books, but it is now. Nithya was so nervous before the English paper. I guess the pressure got to her. So she asked me to pray for her, and she was ok. God always comes through.
Anyhoo, I shall spare you people today. I am not going to ramble on about my unfortunate problems, though they do keep accumulating. Same people.Same problems. I have managed my frustrations though. I have acrimoniously yelled at the wall. It's rather amazing what a wee bit of imagination can accomplish. Oh well. I am holding on. Salvaging myself. Holding on tight.
I can't wait for these O's to finish. I want to break free. I can't even watch HSM 3. Poor Zac Efron is going to have to do without me. At least I have my Jonas Brothers to keep me company. And speaking of which, I have finally succeeded in watching Camp Rock and Gossip Girl. I am complete now. Call me crazy, but I can't live without my Jo Bros and the scandal of the Upper East Siders. Its somewhat of a painkiller for me.
Alright then. I am going to indulge in food and drown my sorrows in sleep. No, I am not an overeater or an oversleeper. I havent eaten the whole day. And I have been having an imsoniac these past couple weeks. It sucks big time. Honestly. I feel like a vampire. Oh wait a minute, that isnt necessarily bad. Haha. Edward Cullen, baby.
So I 'll wait til kingdom come. A little bit longer, and I'll be fine.
Sweet 16. Gonna spread my wings.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Thursday, October 16, 2008
;
4:52 PM
Feeling empty now.
Salutations. I know people may think that I am overreacting, especially those of you dedicated ones out there who are reading my blog. But, the fact of the matter is, I am not exaggerating. It is what it is. This is life from my view, my eyes. And so, if I perceive certain issues in a certain manner, then that is all up to me. I don't need to explain myself to you people.
Well, Nisa and Nury asked me along, for studying of couse. Well, the reason I don't wanna go is because of this sense of emptiness I feel. I just don't belong. Like the odd piece of a jigsaw puzzle that you think fits perfectly into the empty slot, but no matter how hard you push it and force it to fit, it never will. So, I just exclude myself. That seems to help me heal, in a way.
I have already lost most of what is dear to me. Zhaf, well, needless to say, doesn't need me anymore. I'm losing Amirul too. We are not that close anymore. Conferencing with each other, that's fine. Don't bother inviting me. Oh wait, you didn't. Call me selfish, but I don't care. I need these people in my life. Nisa and I are not close anymore. Guess the people you love the most, always tend to hurt you the most too. Unfortunately, I realised this a wee bit too late.
Well, no use complaining right. Brave the storm. Fight the winds. Soar high above on wings of eagles. Screwed up my practical. So much for being confident. Guess everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. It's all a matter of time. Yup, well, guess feeling empty helps. The resonating pain is consumed by all the emptiness. Hollow. Yup, that's me.
Don't wanna lock me up inside.
Sweet 16. Gonna spread my wings.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Saturday, October 11, 2008
;
9:58 PM
Damn you people. All of you!
Salutations. I thought I could handle this. Apparently, I can't. Why does all this happen at times when you need peace and serenity??? Screw the world.
I need to talk to someone now. But nobody seems to care. How do I know? Because no bloody person is replying me or picking up my call. Bobby isnt. Abigail is enjoying herself. And these are just examples. AAAHH. Now, when I need you, you make yourselves unavailable. GOSH. Grace, I am 16. I can make my own decisions. Freedom?Liberation? Ever heard of it? It comes of age. I am soooooo damn effing sick of her controlling me. So what, if Esther doesn't go? I can go if I want to. It's Gopi's birthday for God's sake. I care more about him then YOU people ever will.
You know what. Sick of you telling me that I am no good. That I should be like Esther. That I'm worthless. Useless. I am what I am. You love her sooooo much, adopt her why dont you? I'm sure you guys will love her in the family. Since you have made my imperfections a big deal in your eyes. Not skinny enough as you said. Not smart enough. Not hardworking enough. Not pleasant enough. Well, take her if you want. I'll go make myself useful somewhere else. Fight for myself, by myself. Hope you're happy now Caleb. Your idea of a perfect little sister exists in her. And Grace, she will listen to you, don't worry about that.
To my friends. Of all the times you guys choose to argue and hold grudges against each other, you choose now. WHY?!! Now, we need each other. We are not gonna see each other anymore. We are done with EV. Instead of treasuring these moments, you choose to make rude remarks and hold unforgiveness against each other? Isn't it Hari Raya...maaf zahir dan batin? What happened to all that. Let me just say, true friendships can't be distraught over such issues. It holds through the storms of life. So, hope you get an attitude check and realise that there is more to life than this nonsense.
I miss Zhaf. Soooooo very much. So glad he's coming for Raya. He means alot to me. And I just can't let him go. Love of a big sister I guess. Even then, some people seem to think they are incharge and make decisions for all of us. Well, get a reality check before you end up forming your own clique and forget us people who were there for you.
Why does shit have to happen??? I wanna be strong and mature, and fight. But, I'm breaking down, piece by piece. Is no one here for me? I need someone. I want my Gopi back. I want his love again.I want everything to be right again. The world to be good again. For love and peace to reign. Guess wishful thinking isn't going to help. Someone. Is anyone out there? Please.
I'm going under. I'm falling forever. I've got to break through.
Sweet 16. Gonna spread my wings.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
